I have been doing a lot of thinking over the past few months about the past 29 years of my life. I am turning 30 in the next couple of days and it is has been weighing heavy on my mind and heart. I thought by the time that I turned 30 I would have accomplished so many more things. I thought I would be married, have a couple of kids and a house. Those particular dreams have not come true for me and they may never come. Yet so many others have come true for me. I have been blessed with so many opportunities to live life. I am grateful for all those moments. I began to think that I have not done anything with past 30 years of my life. I don't think that life turns out how we want it to. I may not have the life I have always wanted but I most definitely have a life that is filled with things that I could never have imagined.
The past year has been a very difficult one for me. I have been through the ringer and then some. I have been called a lot of things and had a lot of things said about me that have not been true. At the time I couldn't see past the heartache and betrayal. After some time has past I can see that sometimes things just happen. People make decisions that can affect us in all different ways. I know that I am not perfect and I have also done my own share of hurting people that I didn't mean to hurt. I have learned through those moments though that it is about the people that stand beside you through it all that mean the most. I have learned about true heartache, pain, sorrow, joy and happiness over the past year. I wish that I could say that all that has come easy but it hasn't. It all came after I went through something. I fought through things that have been bigger than me and I have won at times and lost at others. I have lost friends, gained friends and developed true friendships. I have cried, laughed, screamed and felt pure joy. I have left the church and gone back to the church. I felt completely alone and completely loved. I have gained some and lost some. I have been defeated completely and I have triumphed.
There have been times when I have wanted to just give up and throw the towel in and trust me I have come close but there has always been something to give me a little more hope. You see that is the lesson that I have learned the most that there is hope in the darkness. I lost two really close friends of mine within just a matter of weeks. One died of cancer and one took his own life. I miss them everyday and wish that they were here to be with me. I couldn't see straight for a few months. Even then I was just merely surviving. I wasn't really a human being but more of just a person. I became so numb that I couldn't really feel anything. At times I still struggle with feeling a little lost and invisible. I am not saying those things to get sympathy or praises I am saying them because they are real. It was during those times that a little light of hope was brought into my life. Sometimes it was a Facebook post that I needed to read. Sometimes it was a text or a phone call that I needed or other times it was just the stillness of the quiet that would allow me to feel a moment of hope and peace. Sometimes it was a 3 year old nephew and 2 year old niece that would just send I love you's. It was brother who would spend hours helping me how to figure out a life that was too big for me to handle on my own. It was a best friend that would break it down and help me see the smaller picture so I could breath again. It was an Aunt and Uncle that didn't judge me on anything but loved me for me. It was the little things that gave me hope to make it through until the next day. I still at times struggle through those moments of trying to stay strong and fight through it. In those times I have been reminded of hope.
You see through it all there has been hope. Having hope doesn't mean that the bad things won't happen. It just means that when those bad things do happen they are easier to handle. So if I could say anything about the past 30 years of my life it would be that they have been a roller coaster but it has been one heck of a ride. I don't have all the things that I imagined I would have by now and I might not might ever have them but that doesn't mean that I can't live a life that is full of amazing things. I would hope that the next 30 years has a little less tragedy and a lot more happiness in it. I would say though that I am grateful for the true friendships that I have, for the incredible family I have been blessed with and the job that has been given to me.
I don't know what the next 30 years will be like but I hope that they will be ones full of hope and happiness. I have great things to offer this world even if I don't have what I have always wanted. I can't focus just on that anymore. I do owe an apology to anyone that I have hurt. I am truly and deeply sorry. I hope that one day you may forgive me. I am sorry that I did so.
To my true friends and family I am forever in your debt for all that you have done for me over the past 30 years. I am forever grateful that you have been there for me through it all. I love you so much more than you know. To being an everlasting beacon of hope and love to me. I hope that over the next years I can become a better friend, daughter, niece, aunt, cousin, sister, co-worker, employee and all around person. I hope that I can help provide hope to others as you have done for me.
Well, here's to the next 30 years!!!
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